J timeline

I met J in Feb '05.
I wasn't taken by anything about him.

I started seeing another guy, M, briefly in Mar '05.
I was infatuated for awhile but it died-ed off.

I dated J for real in Apr '05
I was taken in by his patience and his silently caring nature.

I became close to another guy, T, around Aug '05.
I was having major problems with J & needed someone to be there.

I was on a rollercoaster ride with J for a year.
After 2 breakups in Jan & Mar '06, we had a heart to heart talk in Apr.
He wanted me to wait for him for a year while he concentrate on career.
I agreed to be supportive of him and gave us another go.
I gave up on 'us' in Jul '06 after delivering him his birthday gift.

I met G fresh after my break with J.
J and G even met, and they hit off pretty well.
I totally took into G's will to please me and make me happy all the time.
I thought I had finally found true blue happiness, maybe even 'L'.
G and I were over in Aug '06, he two-timed me.

- - - - -

I found myself looking at J's encouraging email to me back in Mar '05.
He was asking me to look forward and move on from M.
I found myself staring at J's comments to me today.
He was telling me to enjoy myself with G.

I found myself thinking of J,
in a way that wasn't like how I used to in the past.
And I can't quite put my finger on it.

- - - - -

It's no longer the I love, I miss, I want you kind of feel.
It's more of the silence gaze and a polite nod of the head feel.

I think I've finally realised that despite all the times we've been through,
I was never truly over the moon happy with J...

- - - - -

Yes, I love(d) him.
But, It was more out of contentment and not happiness...



I want happiness.