Uncertainty

And things keep moving on, keep changing...
Time, happenings, feelings, thoughts...

This whole year had went by in a stagger.
The dream of having a nice, happy year to breeze by...
gone(?)

- - - --

The gain in experience, in lessons learnt.
The gain in friendships, in love feelings.
The lost of friendships, of trusting feelings.
The lost of hope, of ideologies crushed.

- - - - -

I reached forward to touch the idealistic image I had conjured up.
The iridescent bubble vanished at the touch of my finger tip.
I drew back my hand in disappointment.

A tear trickled down, reminding me how intangible dreams are.
Perhaps without all these dreams and expectations,
I would not be facing these disappointments.

- - - - -

Stop expecting anything in return.
I tried, really hard.

A strong, firm facade furbished with a staged smile.

But even this facade that I've managed to muster,
can't hide the emotional wreck in me from observant eyes.

- - - - -

Would the impending New Year's Day be a ritual to cleanse my soul,
to heal and make me whole again?

or would it be yet another reminder of the lost i've incurred this year?

- - - - -

I don't want to be given choices.
I've long grown used to being a victim of circumstances.
Lack of my own strength, lack of my own will.



Perhaps I've never been quite the individual I've conjured myself to be.